I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Sex in the backyard? Check.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
