I am puke
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
