If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
