things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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