I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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