You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Who died my cat blue again?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
