bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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