I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Houston, we have a blender
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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