I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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