it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
