I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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