I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
