So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
