in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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