yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
it's like iHOP with fire
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
