So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
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