Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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