we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
