When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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