I'm sorry my penis didn't work
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
