Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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