dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i think im in europe. pls send help
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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