I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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