girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
