dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
