Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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