Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
