i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize