when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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