if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
