Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
