I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
