shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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