I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
