i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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