My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
