Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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