see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
