just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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