She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
