if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
