I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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