also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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