i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
