she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
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