Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
