does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
