Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
