I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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