Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
