Buhtt sex?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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