i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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