Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
