somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
