Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
