Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
