Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
