We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize