I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
