Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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