He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dear god my vagina.
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