My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My breasts were aching with rage.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
