i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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