guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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